Martial arts is, sadly, rife with strange characters and even stranger groups. Unfortunately it’s very easy to fall into one of those groups without really realizing it, and before you know it, you could be part of a dangerous cult. Luckily the Awkward Shaka is here to warn you with our list – 10 Signs your Dojo is a Cult!
- The uniform rules are very strict – for example, you have to wear a certain color gi, no gi wear, or flesh of a recently skinned animal while training
- Your instructor sacrifices a goat and forces you to bathe in its gushing hot, coppery blood before every class
- Instead of Professor, your instructor goes by the moniker Chief Supreme Entity, and any direct eye contact is punishable by 400 nude burpees
- Your instructor asks you to hold space for his tribe and repeatedly checks if you are actually holding the space by tweaking your nip nops and humming the theme tune to Dallas in your left ear
- You have to bow to pictures of Helio Gracie, Rickson Gracie, David Hasslehoff, ALF and Steven Seagal while wearing nothing but denim cutoffs and a sad smile
- There is a secret room that only the instructor is allowed in that is very dark and smells badly of farts, sweaty gym shorts and incense and has the Spotify playlist ‘Native American Pan Pipe Chants’ on repeat
- Your instructor collects large, sharp knives and refers to everybody using their second name and the honorific ‘Mister’
- It says “Gracie Barra” above the entrance
- Your instructor insists on coaching you telepathically during competitions which can lead to confusion and is also embarrassing as he sits cross-legged on the floor naked with his eyes closed
- You are in a 10th Planet school
Well, we hope that helps. If you find any of the above things happening to you – run like hell.
The Awkward Shaka 