So, you just got your blue belt? Congratulations! You now officially no longer completely suck!
With that in mind, here is a list of things you absolutely must do as a brand new blue belt – and a couple you probably shouldn’t.
1) Cut your training right down.
You’ve basically “completed” your basic training at this point, so it’s fine to slack off on your jiu jitsu. You will be just fine to cut down and relax. Don’t bother getting out of bed because you no longer suck at training. Plus, your coach will be extremely happy if you stop cluttering up the class with your presence – it gives him more space for white belts. Just send him or her an email letting him know that you’ll be back “soon”.
2) Start skipping the warmups.
Warm ups are basically for white belts. And they are horrible they make you ache even before the lesson starts!!! Coach will admire your sense of independence and how confidently you stroll in once everyone is already sweating and working hard.
3) Start courting potential sponsors.
As a brand new blue belt, you are a prime candidate for a high profile sponsorship from a jiu jitsu brand. Jiu jitsu brands are basically made of money and love nothing more than to throw said funds at a brand new blue belt. Make sure to send a mass, impersonal email to all brands to save on time – bonus points if you don’t even bother changing the name of the brand, just put [YOUR BRAND].
4) Mix and match gi colours
It’s an unspoken rule in the dojo that white belts cannot mix and match gi colours. Once you get to blue belt, though, all bets are off – and you can come in wearing just about anything you want.
5) Never tap to white belts
Now that you are a blue belt, you are legally no longer allowed to tap to white belts. It doesn’t matter if the white belt is twice your size or has been training longer than you and just missed out on the grading – you must not tap to him. Whether your arm is fully locked out in an armbar or the rear naked choke is perfectly sunk in, just make sure to spaz even harder and possibly try to break something when escaping – doesn’t matter if it’s your body or your opponent’s, resist the sub at all costs.
6) Start joking with white belts about wrist locks
Now is your chance to flaunt your newfound elite wristlock knowledge to white belts, even if you don’t know a single legitimate technique. Just grab their hand and twist it a bit, then give a smug smile and say “Would have got you if you weren’t just a shitty white belt.” It’s very important to ignore all the times a higher belt catches you in a wristlock, too, as they don’t count (it’s basically cheating.)
7) Heel hook people in the gi
You’re no longer scum of the earth less than human white belt, you are essentially the elite of jiujitsu now. Time to start working on those heel hooks. It’s especially important to catch people by surprise with them (hello, have you read Art of War?) so feel free to bust them out any time during sparring. Bonus points if you yell out the name of the YouTube channel you learnt it from while doing it.
8) Get a jiujitsu tattoo
Think about all the other sports in the world. It’s totally normal to get loads of tattoos about them. How many “Basketball saved my life” tattoos have you seen, with flaming hoops and glowing balls? Hundreds I bet. “Cricket is Not Just a Sport, but a Way of Life” – another popular one. And last but not least, “Oss” in all its permutations. There’s nothing more attractive to a potential partner than tattoos about your favourite sport, trust me on that one.
9) I know I said there would be 10 points in this list, but welcome to the first real lesson of being a blue belt – time to start cutting corners. All the hard work and dedication that got you to blue belt is now no longer relevant (and won’t become relevant again until you somehow limp your way to purple belt and shit starts getting serious again.)
The Awkward Shaka 