Breaking News: No Gi Superfight Doesn’t End with a Heelhook after a few minutes of Butt-scooting

In a staggering upset, the weekend saw a no-gi superfight that didn’t end in a heelhook after mutual buttscooting.

Jonathan Kasperbrack was interviewed for comment immediately after the match. “I don’t know what came over me,” he said. “I actually decided to try some jiujitsu. I was all ready to pull guard at the same time as my opponent but as he sat down, I just thought, what the heck, why don’t I try some actual jiujitsu?”

Still in shock, Jonathan added: “I know the people came here to see two guys slide around on their asses and make leg spaghetti, and I am sorry to disappoint them, but I just felt like trying something different.”

“I’m gonna go back and reassess with my coach,” said Jonathan. “This is not what we’re about.”

His opponent Rufus Dangletucker was in shock after the match. “I pretty much assumed we’d be flopping on the floor and tickling each other’s feet for at least three minutes. It’s not fair to just pull out a guard pass and an armbar like that. Most uncool.”

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