Coach Admits Winning is All That Matters

Hendrick Borlax, head coach of Lambert & Butler Martial Arts Academy, recently admitted that “winning is the most important part about competing.”

Hot tempered angry Caucasian man wearing blue collared shirt and communications headset holds mic and yells furiously on white background

“We used to preach that stuff about it’s the taking part that counts, blah blah blah, but that’s bullshit.”

The Ohio native said that it was becoming harder and harder to keep peddling the myth that taking part in the contest was important, regardless of the outcome.

“It’s just marketing spiel we give the pussies. Most of the academy, you know the guys that pay the bills with their memberships, they’re pussies. They suck at jiu jitsu. If you’re not standing at the top of the podium at the end of the day then what is the point? To learn something? Great. What is this? High school? If I wanted to learn something I’d read a book. News flash: I don’t.”

Academy blue belt Peter Munterbaps had the following to say about his coach’s new mentality. “I lost a couple of comps recently. When I was a white belt, he used to be really supportive and understanding. After I lost my first match last weekend, he punched me in the balls.”

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