Online Purple Belt Accepts Challenge Match with Real Purple Belt

Burlapsack (second from right) says he'll "make him eat his purple belt"
Burlapsack (second from right) says he’ll “make him eat his purple belt”

Cornelius J. Schwingerton of Honolulu, Hawaii has been studying jiu jitsu online using an unspecified training program for the last eight months. He received his purple belt in the post last week, and found himself in an online discussion with a real purple belt.

“I was commenting on a YouTube video and this guy started hassling me,” said Schwingerton.

The purple belt in question was Fritz Burlapsack, a man well known in local jiu jitsu circles. “I’ve been training for about 12 years at various gyms, and I just couldn’t stand this guy commenting on technique videos he knows nothing about.”

Cornelius found himself at the centre of a swarm of controversy when he commented on a Mendes brothers video, asking whether a berimbolo would work on a street “or on a wild animal?”

“I’ve been training for eight months and there are no berimbolos in this program. I can only LOL at the idea of doing a berimbolo in a real fight or against an enraged bear or possum or something. BerimboLOL”

“This guy is a fucking idiot,” retorted Burlapsack. “This is sport jiu jitsu, it’s not the nineties any more. Who gives a fuck about whether it works in the street? Does tennis work in the street?”

In an interview over the phone, Schwingerton had the following to say. “Just because my training sessions have me sitting on a chair in front of my computer screen and eating prawn cocktail flavoured Skips, that doesn’t make them any less valid. Why should I have to go to a sweaty sweatbox and roll around in sweat and then get naked and sweat in the showers with other men? I know that’s what happens at these places. No thank you.”

The argument in the YouTube comments section grew more and more heated as time passed, with both parties at one point leaving but then returning for further comments. Cornelius at one point said he “had to go” because he had a “real life outside of youtube.” Burlapsack replied, saying that he was “going training now anyway – to a real gym with real jiu jitsu techniques.”

Cornelius replied with a simple angry face emoticon.



The challenge match has since been called off, with Cornelius J. Schwingerton claiming that he had some important business to attend to that involved being out of state, which was something he really would reschedule if he could but he simply can’t and you’d understand if you even had a life outside of jiu jitsu like he did.

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