13 Reasons to Watch ADCC Next Weekend! (Number 6 will blow you away!) (Number 3 is OK too I guess)

Porra! ADCC, the world’s premier semi-nude arm-wrestling contest, descends on a small town in Finland next weekend and it is looking like it’s going to be a scorcher!! A metaphorical scorcher that is, as Finland is actually a very cold and desolate place full of wolves and ice-giants.

Here are 13 reasons why you absolutely must not miss it (unless of course you have a very serious family emergency or perhaps you live somewhere where there is no internet in which case it’s probably alright if you miss it because you can catch up on it at some other time through Facebook or similar – after all your family is more important)

1. Gordon Ryan will be flying in horses by private jet in order to maintain his muscle mass – As we know, the only way Gordon could have gotten that big that quickly is with the Alistair Overeem / raw horse diet. ADCC has prepared a special stable matside where Gordon’s horses will be kept. John Danaher is bringing one of his special ceremonial knives for the ritual sacrifice and filleting of said horses.
2. Cobrinha will attempt to do something never achieved by any BJJ athlete – Cobrinha will be shooting for the famous “Double Double” – Win the Brasilieiros, the Worlds, the Pan Ams, the Euros, AND eating four slices of the Finnish speciality, Leipäjuusto, or “Bread Cheese”, in one sitting. This has never been attempted or achieved before.
3. The single largest gathering of Russian prostitutes in the world – As hundreds of charismatic and well-toned honourable Brazilian family men descend on Finland, so too do the prostitutes, who expect to turn over almost a million euro per night
4. Paulo Miyao’s final form – Unhindered by any form of drug testing, expect Paulo Miyao to come in looking like he swallowed his twin brother on the way over.
5. FloGrappling streaming live from the women’s changing rooms – Responding to criticism of not covering women in our sport enough, the greatest streaming service in the world, Flo has secured unprecedented access to the actual ladies changing rooms and showers at the Espoo arena, giving full, unrestricted and totally NSFW bonus value to your $69.99 monthly subscription fee
6. Keenan Cornelius returns from his 17,500 hour World of Warcraft marathon – Once touted as the saviour of American BJJ, Keenan Cornelius abruptly disappeared from the competition scene two years ago, electing instead to get all of his W.O.W. characters up to level 999 and form the Worm Guild. Having conquered W.O.W., ADCC marks Keenan’s return to competition.
7. Romulo Barral’s 17th Retirement – Having been competing since 1973, Romulo Barral is expected to retire yet again after bowing out in the late rounds due to injury. Do not miss this historic occasion as it only comes around two or three times a year.
8.  Can Orlando Sanchez retain his title without scoring a single point? Sanchez attempts to shove his way to victory yet again
9. Rafael Lovato Jr had to pull out due to injury but has been replaced by a Dogue de Bordeaux – But you probably wouldn’t notice
10. Steven Seagal will give an Aikido Demonstration – The World’s Greatest Grappler will show the rest of these amateur arm-wrestlers how it’s really done, with a demonstration of the most elegant and deadly martial art in the world, Aikido. But please make sure you are all out of the auditorium by 5pm as Seagal usually starts his nightly eating marathon then, and you do NOT want to see him when he’s hangry.
11. Tom deBlass is expected to receive the coveted “Most Humble” Award – In an extravagant ceremony, the legendary Tom deBlass will receive his long-overdue “Most Humble Man in the World” award, and will finally be able to prove to all the haters that he is indeed the most humblest man in the entire universe and that there is no one – NOBODY – more humble than him and if there is he will kick their fucking asses.
12. Dillon Danis to Represent Ireland – Danis’ Irish residency has arrived just in time for the championships, although a diet of soda bread, potatoes and Guinness mean the young Irishman will likely struggle to make weight.
13. Private Screening of the Long-Awaited “Redbelts” Documentary – Despite many setbacks, Redbelts has finally been made and will be premiered on the Saturday evening. Tickets must be purchased in advance at a cost of $400 per seat and are non-refundable, purchasing a ticket does not guarantee access to the documentary or that the documentary even exists. Sorry *shrugs*.