After extensive review of the facts, Awkward Shaka can now reveal that every single positive steroid test in BJJ (and MMA) in recent history was in fact just a silly mistake of some kind.
Although it may seem statistically highly unlikely, every athlete who was caught with his or her hand in the steroid jar had a perfectly valid excuse for it.
Reasons for false positives in steroids tests have included:
- Tainted supplements
- Kangaroo meat
- Ate a horse raw
- Fell over and landed on some steroids
- Didn’t realise AGGRESSABOL DYNABOLINE was a steroid
- Took a sip of a friend’s protein shake, not realising it was steroids
- My deodorant was made of steroids
- Was prescribed by a doctor for having the immune system of a goat
- Erectile dysfunction
- Fuck off I just fucking took some steroids
- My socks had steroids in them by mistake
- I was born a steroid
Dan Dannerman, of the Olympic Anti Drug Testing Agency, said:
“We have millions of dollars’ worth of equipment, that can analyse the properties of materials right down to the molecular level, but can’t tell the difference between someone on the juice, and someone who accidentally drank a week-old Red Bull with some dodgy protein powder in it. For shame.” Dan committed seppuku shortly after giving this statement.