In a shock move this morning, the samurai of Japan, historical figures who faded from existence in the late 19th century, have publicly requested modern day jiu jitsu fighters to stop comparing the two groups.
“How the frick are these turds samurais?” said Nobunaga Tomoshige, a guy who has actually killed people with a sword. “These delusional morons train in state of the art gyms, get sports massages, take CBD oil, drink kale shakes, and have names like Chad and Blayne.”
Chad West, a blue belt from Connecticut who identifies as a samurai, was very upset. Speaking from his bedroom at his parents’ house, he said: “How dare they deny me my samurai roots? I do literally hundreds of pushups a week plus I compete in jiu jitsu competitions when my sciatica isn’t playing up. Once I got a bronze medal even though I had a bit of a cold the night before. If that isn’t being a samurai, I don’t know what is.”
Extract from the statement below:
Dear Jiu Jitsu bros,
Things that make you a samurai:
- Killing people with swords
- Living in 19th century Japan
- Being an expert in military / warfare tactics
- Willingness to die at any moment
Things that preclude you from being a samurai:
- Having an Instagram account
- Not being alive in pre-19th century Japan
- Having an Xbox live account
The battle between the two groups rages on.