Referee Unsure Who to Screw Over When Both Competitors are Gringos

In the recent JIBJJFJFFJ World Championships, controversy abounded as referee Olivaldo Gueddes found himself in an awkward situation during the finals of the black belt middleweight tournament.

“Both fighters were gringos, and the match was tied,” he explained yesterday. “Normally at this point I’d magic up an advantage for the Brazilian guy for making a funny face on a submission, or invent a penalty for the gringo. But with both fighters being American, I didn’t know what to do. There’s no rule book for this situation,” he said, shaking his head solemnly. “Porra,” he added.

“This really tough for me. For me, as Brazilian, I simply cannot accept a foreigner winning our tournament. In the end, one of the guys had a bit darker skin and a good, strong jawline, so I decide he’s most like Brazilian. I give him an advantage for nearly getting a takedown, porra.”

The winner was Kenneth “Eagle” Utah, and the runner up was Brody “Cowboy” Johnson, both from the Marlboro training centre in Wisconsin.